Always look on the bright side

I’m sitting up in bed, listening both to the rain and the birds singing in the gum tree and acacias outside our house. The magpies visit daily, singing and chattering to us, the cat chatters back. (I put the link in for the UK / USA peeps as the birds are called the same, but are so different. The warble is lovely, and our pair come when they’re called to hang out).

I’m making a concerted effort to sit upright as much as I can today. I’m also revving up for a long hot shower, but I’m waiting till the boys get back from hockey before I have it. I’m not as unsteady on my feet as I was, but I’m still a bit worried I’ll fall over.

I’m trying to find the positives in this.

I spend my life propping others up, checking in, cheering on. I’m not and don’t think I am all ‘woe is me’ – I’m just trying to show what’s going on in my life. The only way we are going to get through life is to walk beside each other. If you feel I overshare, or whinge or complain. That’s fine, tell me.

We’re all adults FFS, we’re not in the school yard anymore.

Hubs has asked I don’t share as much on Facebook. I told him, ok, but I’m not going to dial back on the mental health stuff though. That shit is important.

So I’ve “gone fishing”. I’ll push photos through to FB from Instagram. I’ve also ticked a box that means you can’t see when I’m online, so I can wander around in my groups and reply to messages on my time.

I’ve also had a big cull and blocked others, because I am done.

I wear my heart on my sleeve; always have, always will. If you don’t like it, that’s fine; I don’t have to like the stuff you do either. That’s the joy of being an adult.

But like I said, I’m looking out for the positives. I’ve only had the flu, imagine if it was anything serious? Broken hearts take a long time to heal, but you come out stronger.

what a week

Going Viral

I had an odd week last week. Hubs had to stay home to look after me one day, which unless I’d had surgery, was unheard of before now. Archie came in to kiss me goodnight, surveyed the state of me, then kissed me on my head. The next morning he appeared beside my bed and decided that I still wasn’t well as, ‘You’re so pale Mama.’ Hubs took me to the doctor, I got told to carry on as I was and just ride it out. I carried on with the paracetamol, fluids and bed rest.

I basically did nothing for three and a half days, went back to work on Friday; managed an hour then came home again.

Not today

Picture credit: The wonderful C.Cassandra, Hubs got me her KickStarter package for my birthday last year. http://www.cassandracalin.com/comics-nottoday.html

I did watch the new season of Queer Eye, as I’d been saving it up for when I felt rotten and I’m so glad I did. It was beautiful. If I could sprinkle as much love and consideration through the world as the Fab Five, I’ll be a happy woman.

And on my last day in bed I realised that if I changed my VPN location, I unlocked the different programs on the Netflix. To say I was filthy about not realising this before now would be an understatement. I could have watched the US The Office from start to finish by now. Oh well.

All in all, not much to report. Although the funny thing we’ve noticed in our group chat about Erika, is our lows are synced. We all seem to struggle on the same day or night. HellCat said today that the chat is a nice place to hang out because we can all say what we feel and not worry about being told to ‘Get over it’.

I’m in the middle of it, I don’t want to get over it or get used to it yet. I spend my entire life trying not to feel emotions (Helloooo alcohol!) I want to honour Erika and ride this out properly by feeling it and being with it. Which is why when I got upset watching Arch play in the pool after his swimming lesson, I let the tears fall. I said to Hubs that I was worried that I hadn’t done enough and that I was missing her. Classic grief guilt, no more no less. My face after wiping the salty tears away on a towel is not so forgiving, I’m red raw :/

But I’m proud of it. In a funny, awful, sad, muddled way. Proud that I said to Hubs, “This hurts. This is why it hurts. I’m being visited by emotions and I’m gonna sit here with them”. As I was also wearing my Woman’s March t-shirt at the time, it was on top in the drawer, no other reason – it probably also looked a bit odd. #UnsatisfiedCommunistScumbagFeministGoblin

Erika’s lisp and gentle mouth always sounded and looked incongruous when dropping the F-Bomb. But I know she’s doing the sign of the horns with one hand, flipping us the bird with the other and cheering us on as we wobble on our paths.

It’s the best any of us can do really.

Bring out your dead (again)

Hubs and I had a new experience today, we both went to the GP together. He’s been off sick with a chest infection since Tuesday last week and was not getting any better. I had to go back for some blood and a CT scan results. I’d booked my appointment late last week after I called the surgery for my results; but when Hubs was still in bed after Peanut and I got back after being out for six hours, I hopped online and made him an appointment at the same time. Best laid plans, he was in and out on-time, I was over half an hour late going in.

This was after waking up late too. Talk about a Monday :)

Hubs first, he’s had a chest x-ray today, and changed antibiotics. He’s also been signed off until Wednesday this week, back to work on Thursday morning. Officially the longest time he’s had off sick since I’ve known him. Proper man flu.

Me, I’ve got no structural issues thank goodness, however when I got my bloods done my white blood cell count was raised and then CT scan (which was the following week) also showed inflammation and congestion. My ears are also crackling, so I’ve still got sinusitis.

Peanut, thankfully is cruising along, no coughs or sniffles, which considering the amount of infections going around this winter is amazing. I’m aware that I’ve just hexed us now.

In other news, in no particular order:

  • I had an RDO on Friday, took myself off for a float, which was blissful. Then to the Richmond IKEA which was less so, aside from the bunfight it is to get in, the café was really short staffed, only one coffee machine was working and it was chaotic as a result. I should have driven down to the Springvale one, but thought that was crazy as I was already half-way into the city. After getting stuck on Hoddle Street (new and improved and widened, natch) I might as well have…
  • We had our Mothers’ Group ‘we have turned seven’ party yesterday (Sunday). All but one family were there, which was amazing. Instead of presents, we all chipped in for a trip to a massive play centre, and a good time was had by all.
  • I’m back to bullet journaling.
  • Peanut gravely told me that he doesn’t want Ickle Baby Bot bath bombs from Lush any more, he’s too old for them now. We brought Big Blue, Yellow Submarine and an orange one I can’t remember the name of. instead. He walked round the whole store, sniffing and investigating everything.
  • With Hubs in bed, Peanut and I have been to the cinema, zoo, the party and round the shops to give Hubs the time and space to sleep. Like most seven year old boys, if he’s cooped up for too long he gets cranky. It’s been a busy weekend, but we’ve had the best time. I love hanging out with him. We did 5.75km round the zoo, chatting away. He leant over to me in the movie (Incredibles 2) and said ‘I think we ought to get an ice cream Mama’ I agreed with him so we snuck out, snuck back in again and I wiped his face afterwards crying with laughter.

I am going to blog more often, I’ve missed you guys!

Sinusitis – again

I’ve been knocked sideways by my second sinus infection this year. Two too many said the GP I saw on Wednesday. She signed me off work for two days (more in a minute), wrote me a prescription and referred me for a CT scan of my noggin when I’m well. She wants to see what’s going on inside my head. Don’t we all?

It’s been hanging around for a couple of weeks, not developing into anything, and because I’ve been mostly sneezing, it was hiding as hay-fever, until I woke up on Wednesday and my teeth hurt. I made an appointment in the late afternoon as I had to update the Managers on the preparations for our office move at a meeting at 2pm, and carried on at work. Even moving bins in and around the office, as there was no-one else to do it.

109 people are changing desks on Monday and Tuesday, I know this because I’ve counted them. Part of the working group, Thursday was our big clean-up morning, hence all the bins arriving on site and being dotted about the office. I’ve missed the pizza lunch after the clean-up. I’ve missed our Christmas in July – that was deferred after a biblical rainstorm in December last year. But after one antibiotic tablet, on Thursday morning I could barely move. Thank goodness for pre-packed lunches and only having to run Arch down the road to his holiday program. I clapped a beanie on my head, kept my PJs on and dropped him off. I got back to bed and we’re now on Saturday morning and I feel almost human again.

I’ve wafted through Bridesmaids, various Hairy Bikers programs, and despite asking for Netflix requests on Facebook, I couldn’t concentrate on anything so have just added them all to my watch-list for ‘Ron. Mostly I’ve slept as I couldn’t read either as I couldn’t hold a thought in my head. Hubs came home on Thursday to a house in darkness, no small boy in sight and went back out again to get Arch, coming home with pizza, but sad he couldn’t find me creme caramel or creamed rice pudding.

On Wednesday afternoon while waiting for my prescription to be filled, I brought comfort food supplies. Ranging from fancy yogurts to laksa soup to chilli – knowing what I want to eat when everything tastes like cardboard anyway, I prepared for my bedraggled state. Staggering into the kitchen yesterday, I was so grateful I had brought the chilli in readiness I high-fived myself. I had a shower yesterday evening, today I’ll strip the bed, this morning I wanted a coffee. Baby steps all of them…

Hubs arrived home yesterday with more Laksa soup and six pots of creme caramel (slight overkill, I’m not complaining), but still no creamed rice pudding. Ambrosia you’ve failed me! Mind you, I’ve not had their tapioca pudding since I moved here and still crave it. I’d kill for Pad Thai, every so often I’d open up Uber Eats to look at the local restaurants, but I can’t justify it.

The cat has been very happy I’ve been home, sleeping on either my legs or my pillow, he’s stretched out flat on his back by my legs at the minute. So here’s my stream of conscious update for you. As is. No editing. I feel much better today, but will stay at home with the wee man. I’m looking forward to moving to the couch to watch a DVD with him, but now I’m off for a nap.

Pooh-Bear

Round two of antibiotics…

…and I’ve graduated from a Swallows and Amazons to a Poirot (After the Funeral). Small, but not insignificant progress, as I’ve not been able to hold a train of thought in my head for days on end now.

Chief Brody has been like velcro since I took up residence in the spare room, only leaving my side to keep up with his social networks. Thankfully we’ve not had a mouse brought in this week to feed us.

Hubs and Archie had a birthday party yesterday; at an outdoor adventure golf, not an indoor play centre, as that would have push Hubs over the edge. I took Archie to get the present on Friday afternoon and it nearly broke me. I collected him from school, walking up the hill instead of driving as it’s always chaos – coz that was sensible. We then got stuck in the school traffic for 20 minutes on a 5 minute drive to the plaza. I had to puff up the slope from the car park and as we got into the shops, BossMan called me. I answered as he never rings me unless he needs to.

By now I was feeling faint and sweating like I’d been on a run, (he said later he could hear how stuffed I was in my voice). I explained where I was, that I’d ducked out to get a present with Archie, we talked over the latest crisis at work and he made me laugh till I coughed so we concluded the conversation. I went to get some more cold and flu tablets, Archie and I headed up to K-Mart where he chose what he wanted to give as his present and we got back in the lift to go back to the car. I was leaning against the glass wall, (sheer bliss at it’s coolness) when I got talked to (I always get talked to). “The weather is a bit like that isn’t it?”

I shut the conversation down with ‘I’ve got bronchitis’ leaving the lady making the ‘o’ face like a fish out of water. The man in the lift with us winked at me and grinned. I left a hot and sweaty outline on the glass. I drove home, got Archie a snack and sat on the couch under a blanket as I’d now gone cold while we watched a DVD.

I just felt tired out at home, so I thought I’d be ok ducking out for half an hour. If the traffic hadn’t been so bad, it would have been just that but an hour was too much for me to cope with. Lesson learnt.

On a brighter note, Archie has been ploughing through the original Morph cartoons with Tony Hart on kids youtube. He was a bit non-plussed when I said that my form teacher at high school had gone to art college with Tony Hart, but was more impressed when I told him I’d had a picture in the gallery on the program. I’m trying to get a video of him laughing at Morph, Chas, et al, because it’s a glorious six-year-old giggle of pure joy.

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Stardust

I’ve come down to the spare room to sleep tonight, I’m coughing that much and am so hot, I can’t get comfortable. Hubs has to work tomorrow, I’ve already called in sick for the day.

I’ve got a cat snoring by my feet and my son asleep in his room muttering to himself next door.

I’ve just watched Stardust, the movie adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s novel. Perfect chewing-gum for the brain and just what this girl needed. It was a bit muddled and about 20 minutes too long, but it was good fun. The book is big, so they did well to condense it down to what they did, but I think if it had been tighter, it could have done much better than it did at the box office.

I’ve not got much to report today, just concentrating on getting better. One of the girls at work reminded me that she had bronchitis last year, struggled through and it went to pneumonia and she was out of action for six weeks. I’m stopping world. I get it.

 

 

To-do list

Last night I wrote a to-do list for today, the public holiday for a frickin horse race.

  • Hair – dye it
  • Toes – paint them
  • Change beds
  • Washing
  • Wardrobe – Project 333 selection
  • Shopping
  • Cooking
  • Spare room

I (as normal, and as most women do), anticipated more than I could do. Hubs made pancakes, after breakfast and a somewhat disturbed night, I went back to bed. I only woke up when my temperature broke again and I needed more meds.

My sleep last night wasn’t disturbed by the drugs, but by the bluddy cat, when he wants something he scrapes his paw on the bathroom window. It’s then a matter of deduction to figure out what he wants. To go out? No, not allowed overnight. More food? Can do that. Company? Sleep on my head, just quit it.

Up and down, up and down.

I staggered awake mid-morning. Up and down stairs doing washing, seven loads in total. today. Only one load left and we’re all caught up. The line outside and one airer is full, the tumble-dryer cycling through bedding and towels like a trooper.

I came upstairs after setting one load off to find Hubs with a head torch on fixing the oven, the element went phut a few weeks ago – a replacement one arrived before our weekend away. He made cookies with Archie while I went grocery shopping. The shops were pretty clear for a public holiday, which as I was a donkey on the edge was just as well. I had a list and only missed on thing off it – fresh tarragon was nowhere to be found. I did come home with two lots of coriander instead of one of coriander and one parsley. Whoops.

donkey

Since then, a chicken has been roasted and picked apart. A beef stew made and portioned up. Shepherd’s Pie made, eaten for dinner and left-overs portioned up. Muffins (sausage, bacon, cheese and eggs) for breakfasts on the run made and portioned up. Salads for two lunches this week made. Eggs boiled and peeled. All in all nearly twenty portions have found there way into the fridge or freezer.

The spare room has the other airer out of it and the spare chair from downstairs taken back downstairs. The rest of what the room needs can wait for the rest of the week.

Hair? That will get done tomorrow, I couldn’t face a shower tonight. I did a facemask, but the thought of a shower did me in.

Toe nails? I took my blue polish off and one nail feel off. Another two are FUBARd after the half marathon #sadface. Right in time for summer too. Anyone know how long toenails take to grow back? Asking for a friend.

I am however tucked up in a clean bed, and Archie is in a clean bed. Mt Foldmore will still be there tomorrow, as will the ironing. I did start my Project 333, I took clothes I’m not going to wear through Spring/ Summer and moved them down to the spare room. I still haven’t figured out my final list as I need to do my ironing first.

So all in all, a successful day. The three of us went to Archie’s Tae Kwon Do class too, which I don’t get to go to normally. Had a good catch-up with the other mums there, and organised a Kinder get-together too while we were there as well.

I’m still coughing, though not as bad and am about to nod off as I’m yawning copiously, but before I go I want to share this extraordinary book with you. While I pottered, I listened to Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging for the third time since it landed in my Audible account, (I’ve also read it on my kindle too). It is extraordinary, and completely broke me open on a run last month, I slowed down, then stopped running as I was weeping so hard:

True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.

She affectionally calls the book “How to lose friends and piss off everyone” :D

All I know is that something massive is shifting within me, I’m losing alignment with something that isn’t fitting and realigning with something that is. What that looks like, I don’t know. But walking round the supermarket today, I thought to myself, I needed to get ill. I needed to stop, because what I was doing wasn’t working. My body will send me messages that I will occasionally listen too, but sometimes a pebble isn’t enough. Sometimes you need a great big rock thrown at you.