A realisation

Nothing profound, but sitting at my desk today, I realised that when I’m in pain, my anxiety flares up too. It’s like, “Oh, you’re sore – let me help you with some ruminating thoughts of impending doom.”

I am sore because on Monday on my run, I fell over a tree root, scraped my hand, elbow and knee and landed heavily onto my ribs on my left hand side. All the wind was knocked out of me and it took me a while to get back up again. I carried on running, as you do when you’re full of coursing adrenaline, got back to the office and scrubbed my hand clean.

I know that the adrenaline was flowing happily; because I can remember looking down as I scrubbed the dirt and grit out my hand, that it should be hurting more than it was. I got some ibuprofen at the chemists and carried on with my day.

On Tuesday, I could barely move when my alarm went off, so I booked a doctors appointment. I was given a tetanus jab and sent off for x-rays. I was also prescribed some really strong anti-inflammatories. The x-rays have come back clear, thank goodness, and I slept for the afternoon after the injection.

We’re now on Thursday and my mood has slipped away from me. I’m full of woe. Also, my side is feeling more sore than yesterday, the pain relief isn’t helping as much, I’m heading back to the doctors later to see if I can get anything else to help.

All I want is to be fit and healthy to keep up with Archie. It’s not like I want to climb mountains or set the world on fire. Last year, I broke my foot and it took months to recover. After the move here, I fall over twice in three weeks.

The first time was in Woolworths (other supermarkets are available). I was so happy, literally in the nanosecond of that thought – I was grinning internally and feeling peaceful; WHAM I slip on a wet floor where the roof was leaking.

See what I mean about ruminating thoughts?

I try so hard to not be my thoughts, I try so hard not to believe them. But I’ve lived with the voice inside my head for so long, it feels familiar.

Walking and exercising in general are a great mood leveller for me, I’d take myself off for a stroll around the lake if I could. But as I got stuck getting off the couch last night, that’s not happening soon.

It’s maddening.

What do you think..?

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