I’m not ready for this

Whenever we are going away; I herd clothes as they either come off the ironing pile or Mt Foldmore, to the spare room. I also add ‘stuff’; spare chargers, tea, coffee, gluten free food. I’ve just been grocery shopping and picked up some snacks for the flights, as I’ve got form of getting delayed back to the UK.

Today I’ve started putting things on the bed; a dress, boots and bag for a funeral.

I’ve typed those words, and still it doesn’t seem real. Especially not for Erika.

Bereavement doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Most of the weekend we’ve been in party mode for Archie, so I’ve just pottered on getting the house ready. Ticking things off a list kept my mind busy.

Today we went to Werribee Zoo to see the dinosaurs they had on exhibit there. Archie told me a story the whole way down, we parked up, avoided the puddles in the car park, I got a coffee then we walked around the dinosaur models.

After we’d been on the bus and had lunch, I was peopled out. Archie asked to see the boat by Hippo Beach, we ended up going round the rest of the zoo, my anxiety growing. Sitting in the car at the lions, it was all I could to hold it together. I tried not to be too short with Archie as he took his turn in the car. We headed back to the exit and toddled around the maze, which made me laugh and relaxed me.

I drove home, he played in the back of the car, then got car-colepsy, I listened to Kermode and Mayo’s podcast. Dropping him off at home, I turned around and went back out to get lunch accoutrements.

I saw someone I knew at the shops and funked talking to them – I didn’t have the head space. I explained why I’ve needed to increase my anti-depressants to the pharmacist, just about holding it together.

I’m home now, getting ready to start meal prep for the week. I’m going to have a bath and an early night tonight. We start all over again tomorrow, we also should get a date for the funeral, I can then book my flights. And finish my packing.

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