Sitting squarely in anxiety and shame

i’ve got no idea where this will take me. but i need to write it out, so here we go. raw, real, honest and wondering WTF happened? typos R us and all. needless to say, i’m better now than i was yesterday…

yesterday i was sat near the front of a staff meeting, my laugh was mentioned, lots of people laughed.

i didn’t

i sat in shame, colour flooding my face, emotions flooding my body. i held it together for the next few minutes, but by the end of the meeting i was in full anxiety and tears. i felt embarrassed, all eyes on me as i tried to navigate the adrenaline and cortisol rush.

i couldn’t breathe, couldn’t look at anyone. my system was in full roar. panic mode had set in, i just wanted to get out, hide, don’t look at me, run.

Luckily, I was leaving the office as I was due to be at an Emergency Relief Centre, at 6am today so had been stood down to rest before the early shift. (the ERC got closed shortly after I left, so everyone who was due to be deployed goes back to normal).

anyhoo, i’m getting my stuff into the car, but I get followed out the building.

no, leave me alone. i can’t do this, i can’t talk to you now – i know i’m not rational. let me listen to some dance music and get out my head. i can’t even see.

I thought i had worked through this, but my body  / brain thought otherwise. ‘woomph – have some unexpected emotions’.

i was awake, for what felt like for hours overnight. i know that i’m going to be hypersensitive to things this week, nerves jangling as they settle. but walking up the hill i realised it was a trigger which helped me try to explain the meltdown to BossMan

sooo, i’m taking myself off on a social media holiday. i’ve taken instagram and messenger off my phone and ‘gone fishing’ on facebook for a bit. i did some of the blasted moon jigsaw last night, when that was starting to give me the irrits, i switched to EF Benson and Queen Lucia for solace.

then i woke up to the news about Luke Perry and Keith Flint and got upset all over again.

i’m not going to talk about Cardinal Pell in depth on here, just #really for the people giving him character references?!

In other news, if you’ve not found Nathan W Pyle and his aliens, you’re in for a treat:

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