I know I’m not my thoughts, but they’re deafeningly loud

Trigger warning

I took myself off to the doctor this morning, the traffic was awful, so Peanut had to come in with me. Unfortunately, this meant I couldn’t speak as honestly as I needed to the GP. I couldn’t ask for help as clearly as I needed to. How do you explain, within earshot of a four year old, that you’re worried about what you’ll do to yourself? That if the never-ending stream of negative commentary in your head gets so loud, there is an apparently easy way to silence it.

Easy for who?

Nobody that is who.

But bluddy hell, I’m struggling here. Rufus has well and truly taken camp on my right shoulder. I’m at my desk when I want to be curled up in bed. Those bed sheets have magical powers, I’m sure of it.

Peanut and I went for a walk this morning, only 2km, but I got up and out the house. It took so long to get a blood-test done, I won’t get a chance to get out again at lunchtime, but I think I will take myself out tonight again too. I haven’t run in so long, my head feels fuzzy. My knee may be sore, but I’ve got to get going again. I’ll strap it up if I have to.

My GP talked to me, arranged for a blood test for iron and thyroid levels, examined me to make sure I wasn’t carrying a virus or anything else that would cause the lethargy and general apathy. He told me to come back in ten days, and to increase my anti-depressants.

In the interim – I need your help. I retreat into myself when I get like this. The circle of my life gets smaller, until I can hold my head up again. You know me, please help me through this. I can’t do this on my own, I’m fed up of pretending I can. I’m hanging on by my fingertips over here.

4 thoughts on “I know I’m not my thoughts, but they’re deafeningly loud

  1. Maddie
    You are so very brave. Having the courage to ask for help is one sign of a resilient person. And as your cartoon says, you have a good track record of making it through other bad days. Not doing it on your own is one way.
    Read over your gratitude journal again and remind yourself of what has gone well in the past. This speed-bump will pass – maybe not today, but it will eventually. You know – you’ve hit them before.
    Find a buddy at work to have a quick walk with…. (remember you agreed with someone – Julie maybe?) And don’t be so hard on yourself. Let your expectations drop a little – you can’t do everything all the time.
    Don’t wait to see how low your iron levels are – if you eat are someone who eats meat – have a lovely piece of steak tonight and a tall glass of red wine.
    You are a special lady who does so much for everyone else. Let people take care of you for a bit.
    And consider making an appointment with a medical professional other than your GP. Do you have one? I can help you get a name if you don’t…
    If you need someone to watch Archie so you can make an appointment, please let me know…
    Mel x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Maddie
    Sorry to hear you are having a rough time at mo. I went through a bad spell last year and a great doctor said the simplest thing, be kind to yourself, don’t judge yourself, do what you need to do; eat, sleep and rest. I am the worst when it comes to over analysing so I stopped, at least I did my best to stop and day by day it got easier. If I didn’t get out of bed it didn’t matter, if I ate a tub of ice cream at 3 in the morning whatever. Taking the power from my analytical need for self punishment and those feelings of worthlessness was empowering to me. I hope you find something to cling to, a thought that brings you calm or comfort, then cherish it!
    Love and best wishes
    Your cousin Helen xxx


  3. Hi Maddie
    Chris says this ” I’ve suffered PTSD and depression and have taken anti depressants but have found a way out. Due to treatment with stress with a psychologist he has now started a journey to take his doctorate in psychology after being recommended to do it…. he says give him a call anytime, your never alone.”💋


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