Broken open

Last night I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. Letting my thoughts come and go, just wandering around inside my head. My eyes swam with not looking at anything other than the white paint, noting that we still need to touch up round the light; oh, and we missed that bit on the coving too.

It was the closest I’ve come to meditating in a long time. I don’t know how long I laid there for. Hubs asked if I was ok, I said yes, that I was just enjoying lying here, being still.

Nothing will be the same now. Nothing. Our sweet boy is now on a seizure program at nursery, we’ve got to speak with so many new people, specialists, technicians. People who’s jobs and expertise we hadn’t needed before, people we’d rather not meet at all.

Yet I’m still.

Maybe it’s just not hit me yet. Maybe I’m carrying all the tension in my body? I’ve made an osteo appointment for Wednesday afternoon, I booked an hour in case as Jo works on me, I release everything. Instead of having today off work, planning out the year with Hubs over a lazy breakfast, I’ve swapped my RDO to Wednesday. I can meet my appointments, get my nails done before I bite them all off, go for a run, get to a yoga class. Or just sit and read my book on the deck.

We’re in limbo, not knowing what, if anything, is going to happen. A holding pattern of waiting that happens all over the world, daily, repeated over and over. A colleague at work is sitting by her mother’s bedside, rowing her out on her final journey. Another is working with specialists as they try to better understand how long his father’s final journey will be.

Waiting. Such an empty soulless, frickin useless word. No wonder our minds go into overdrive, whizzing backwards and forwards along the path of worst outcome. Stress and anxiety making it difficult to function in normality in our ‘real life’.

Yet, what is more real than a loved one struggling? We sit or stand around helpless, while the person we care about relies on others, specialists, experts to make a difference, or not. We make pacts with omnipotent beings asking for help, making bargains we can’t fulfil.

Life is precious. Hang onto it. Relish it. Be here now to enjoy it. Turn the goddamn TV off so you don’t miss it. Use your mobile phone as a phone, instead of a mini-computer. Crawl around on the floor with your children, get down to their level and see what they see. Grunt with your teenager. Go for a walk with your buddies. Feed the ducks. Rearrange the furniture. Catch up on your chores. Do something, anything today, so that if you get a phone call later from someone and your world stops – you have not wasted it.

I went to the woods because I wanted to live life deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to put to rout all that was not life and not, when I came to die, discover I had not lived. – Henry David Thoreau



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