I can’t think of a suitable title for this post at the minute, I hope one comes to me, but it’s such a sensitive issue, I’m not sure one will easily.
I am on a baby forum, and have a separate twitter feed for my pregnancy-leaning tweets, missives and ramblings. Through both media, I’ve ‘met’ several women, some are more pregnant than I am, some the same, some less. Some are desperately trying to conceive.
One tweet I saw last week has unsettled and worried me in equal measure. I’m not going to name the person, but the jist of the tweet was that her marriage was very unhappy, and she was struggling with staying married. She is barely, just barely pregnant.
I do not understand women who think that ‘getting’ pregnant will solve relationship difficulties. I know people who have done this, and think that because there is an extra child in the mix, that will cement the relationship, when if anything is likely to cause something fragile to break, it’s added pressure. No one can deny that when babies are born they are hard work. 6-8 feeds a day, 6-8 nappies to change a day, interrupted sleep, a washing machine continually rumbling in the background. And that is before you look in detail at the financial implications of this small, tender being.
I am very lucky, Hubs and I have planned extensively for the journey we’re on. Our relationship is built on a solid friendship. We spend time together every day, checking in on how we’re doing. Particularly now as I’m in full waddle mode, I can’t do as much round the house, we’ve worked out a communication strategy both to ensure I don’t get frustrated and Hubs knows what I would like him to help me with. Our strategy is this: ask him point-blank to do something.
I cannot imagine doing this on my own. I cannot imagine doing this with anything less than 100% spousal support. I cannot imaging doing this if there was any shadow of a doubt in my mind my marriage would fail. Firstly, it’s not fair to me, or my husband to ‘fall’ pregnant. It is also not fair on the child to bring it into a marriage that is unstable to begin with. Yes, children are resilient and adaptable, but that isn’t the point. Adapting to change is one thing, adapting to an almost certainty that you know your marriage is on the rocks is another.
I don’t want to say too much in case the lady in question reads this blog post. I really feel for her, as from the snippets I’ve read from her life, it hasn’t been an easy journey to get to this point. And also as friends of mine are in their IVF cycle at the moment, the over-riding compulsion to have a child isn’t something I’ve ever felt. I am blessed with my fertility, I’ve also not walked in their shoes, not felt what they are feeling. However, I am just struggling to understand the reasoning behind having a child in the maelstrom of a marital breakdown. I’ve been on the receiving end of the marital breakdown, it left me in counselling, on sleeping tablets, depleted and for a long time, void of all hope and feeling. I could barely eat, could barely take care of myself; trying to imagine that plus being pregnant, shortly to be with a baby dependent on me for their every need, I just can’t imagine how I would cope.
I sincerely hope I’ve not offended anyone by this post. That was not my intention. I am just trying to understand something that is so alien to me, so thought I would put it out there for discussion to help me understand it better.