This isn’t about me, and I maybe making an assumption here, but yesterday I brought a cooked chicken for dinner to have with some salad. I would have been quite happy with the salad, some beans and tofu, which I had planned for my solitary dinner, Hubs’ university course started yesterday afternoon and we weren’t expecting him to get home till 10pm. However, he texted me to say that he’d been sent home with homework and would be back before 7pm. Tofu and my boy, don’t mix, unless it’s in risotto.
Waiting for the chicken to be cut up, a lady whizzed in, and asked for a roast potato. Just one, paid cash and whizzed back out again. I wondered why. And thought, how sad. My mind wandered, asking questions, had she been on a diet, was struggling with her day and desperately needed something to lift her mood? Or was she trying to lose weight, had crashed and burned and was punishing herself by eating it secretly in the car.
I could think of no other reason for someone to buy one roast potato, other than either punishment or a treat for being on a diet. If she’d brought 4 or more, she could have been taking them home to dinner. But one?
My heart went out to her. I’m not an emotional eater, I don’t eat to suppress feelings, in fact when I get really frazzled or upset, I can’t eat. My throat closes up. I have a good relationship with food, I don’t know if that is because of my IBS or what, but I know what I can eat and I know what I need to avoid. What I do need to do on a regular basis is exercise, hence my shopping expedition to get a swimming cossie.
I wish people, women particularly, could just learn to love themselves as they are. I wish the diet industry had never been invented, they’ve spent a lot of money convincing us that to lose weight we need to do x, y or z. But losing weight doesn’t have anything to do with diet, it has everything to do with lifestyle choices. If you want different, you need to do different. If you want to lose weight, but carry on eating what you’ve been eating and not exercising, a magic wand ain’t going to be waved above you and you’re suddenly skinny. Likewise as Portia de Rossi found out, living off 300 calories a day, at her lowest she was 42kg, she had to learn to enjoy food again. The way she did it, was not to restrict anything. She ate what she wanted, when she wanted it. She ate when she was hungry and she stopped when she was full. Her weight has now levelled out to a healthy 59kg. Your body has it’s natural happy state, it will find it, but you need to help it, by fuelling it properly with wholesome healthy foods, and not charging into a shop to buy one roast potato. I’m willing to bet that lady didn’t even taste it when she ate it, and probably beat herself up about eating it for the rest of the night too.
Love yourself as you are, put yourself at the top of your list. You need to take care of number one. I went vegan for 2-3 months for specific reason, I wanted to eat the best, most natural food I could to prepare my body for getting and being pregnant. Despite putting on 5kg in the first 12-13 weeks, I’m now at 17 weeks and haven’t put on any more, I’ve not changed what I’m eating, or the quantity of it, my body is taking what it needs from the fuel I give it. I love my food, I remember places by what I’ve eaten, I can still remember the taste of some meals, can’t remember the conversations, but I can the food.
It took me a long time to love my body, and for years I would look at it and wonder where the swimmers shape went to. I struggled with my weight for a couple of years because of the DEPO injection, I put on 2 stone in a year, and have never lost it completely. But looking back at photos of me, the same height I am now, but with the swimmers shape in my teens and twenties, I look ill. Far too thin for my frame. Watching my body change every day as my bump pops out more, the picture of what I look like in the mirror is slowly matching the picture of what I look like in my head.
I’m still going to go swimming in the morning though. I need to be strong for Peanut’s arrival. And am aware that I’m nearly half way to (s)he being here, so I need to get my finger out.