At last the muggy spell has broken. I sit in my study with rain hammering on the windows, after watching hailstones the size of golf balls hurtle down from the sky. I should have been walking to yoga, I would have got soaked, and probably collate a few more bruises had any hailstone hit me. As it was they smashed into the house, onto the roof and bounced off the windows.
I was walking as DG took the car to play cricket, now rained off, but I felt like walking. The rain was predicted, but it doesn’t bother me walking in the rain, I am in English – you spend most of your life damp. I packed up my bag, swung it over my shoulder and plugged Eckhart Tolle in to talk me to the studio. I was wearing sunglasses, then realised I couldn’t see where I was walking, I took them off, it was nearly dark. I looked at the weather front moving in, turned around and went back home. I dropped my bag off, grabbed the bread that we had been saving for the ducks and walked down to the pond instead to feed the ducks and birds.
The ducks were happy to see me, very happy. Some days they are fed full to bursting and won’t come near you, this afternoon when I stopped by the bank, they zoomed over the pond, bumping each other out the way to get to me. One brave female mallard stood by my trainers, catching the crumbs as I broke the bread up for the others.
Feeding ducks is such a simple thing to do, but when you are truly there, not listening to the voice in your head, but truly present – it brought me such joy. I couldn’t believe how close they got to me when I was feeding them, I was crouched down and rummaging around in a collection of bread bags, yet they knew I had food and so were so trusting. I looked at their feathers, the rainbow of colours that go to make up brown and black, the smoothness and sleek bodies that are so graceful on the water. They were so patient too, yes they were squabbling over the bread when it was thrown in, but they knew I had to break it up and throw it out to them. Even the sparrows got in on the crumbs, looking at me with heads on one side saying ‘Come on!’
On my walk around the football fields this Wednesday I kept walking past 4 magpies, it is disconcerting when they make eye contact with you. I am sure they wondered what I was doing, circling round in loops, they were watching the grounds man roll and prepare the pitch, no doubt waiting for him to get out the way so they could get in there for worms. But quite happily sitting on a fence, watching and waiting for the right moment to get what they needed.
I keep thinking about what I need at the moment, I thought I knew, but the deeper I look the more I see that things are changing. I hope that with the break in the weather I sleep better tonight, as the next two days are days of preparation. I have to collate paperwork ready for a meeting on Tuesday morning, I need to be ready, I need to be strong. I also need the storm of words and emotions in my head to clear. So I will be offline and ignoring my phone, regrouping as I go into battle. Because that is what is has become.