Apologies to those of you who don’t like Celine Dion but please play this link at some point either before, after or during reading this. While the video is unintentionally hilarious, (I watched Spicks and Specks this week laughing at the fist in the air, being drawn down, saying they wondered if they have an ultra sound of her doing it in the womb?), the song popped into my head as soon as I typed the title, as soon as I opened the webpage to write to you today.
But check out these (abbreviated) lyrics:
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don’t shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I’d make it through
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it’s almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has…come
Where it was dark now there’s light
Where there was pain now there’s joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy
I took a sleeping tablet last night, after taking one on Thursday night I didn’t want to 2 nights on the trot (I am under strict instructions for only 3 a week), but I had to. I knew that after the events of the late afternoon, I would be unable to sleep otherwise. I woke up, no alarm, at 8:08am. I missed a skype with my Darling Wiz (we had a phone call a bit later planned instead), but I felt like a new woman. I looked at my face in the mirror, and it looked like it had been ironed out overnight. My eyes were clear, I was standing up straight, I felt refreshed.
It takes a lot to calm me down at the moment, and it took Dan the best part of an hour to do it last night. My boy, his blue eyes holding onto mine, talking me down from a meltdown, slowly talking to me, telling me that I can do this, I can get through this, he will help me, he will support me, I just need to relax. I hate being told to relax, it usually has the complete opposite reaction, I normally explode, but last night I took my tablet, lay on my tummy (face plant, ready for sleep) and he slowly stroked and rubbed my back until I drifted off into my chemically induced slumber. The poor boy was then awake until 2:30am, it was both horribly hot and sticky last night, and his mind was also now churning, but he said waking up to my relaxed and smiling face was worth it.
One thing I struggle with is telling people how I feel, about what I want and need, because when I did open up to people in my formative years, I was told not to be silly, why would you need that? So I learnt to keep schtum, and also learnt that my feelings didn’t matter. You can imagine the knock-on effect that has had through my whole life, and is why I am in such a wibble at the moment. Last night, I confessed that I wanted my old life back, I wanted a job I could go to, and leave at work, I wanted to be able to exercise, I wanted to spend time with him in the evenings and at weekends and just get some semblance of normality in our lives back. Now the hilarious thing about this is, what I want is what I had when I was working at the Sovereign Centre, when I knew what shifts I would be working, I knew I would be having a laugh on poolside, I knew I was valued as a swimming teacher, and I could make up hours (and money) as I wanted and needed to by picking up overtime or covering classes.
That was over 10 years ago! How sad to feel a yearning for something resembling the normality I long for is 10 years in the past.
This morning, and indeed all day, I have the day to myself. Matt is down from NSW, he has taken Dan off in his new car to Chadstone, poor DG needs some boy-time, not hysterical banshee so he can regroup. Andrew has an epic hangover, so he’s retreated into his bedroom with Star Wars DVDs to recover, but we all had breakfast together that Dan and I shared the cooking of. I have nothing on my agenda until 4pm when I need to go to yoga. I need to buy the papers, get some veggies and cook dinner, but that is later on. Now, I am sat in my ‘office’ for the day, which is our bedroom. I have the door open, cool fresh air is blowing in gently, I have 4 gurus with me for solace and reflection: Dr Wayne W. Dyer ‘Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life’, Louise L. Hay ‘You Can Heal Your Life’, Richard Carlson ‘Stop Thinking, Start Living’ and Eckhart Tolle ‘A New Earth’. (are you noticing a pattern here?)
When life is ticking over, I find it very easy to be pragmatic and can control my thoughts easily. When you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck, it isn’t as easy. I need to practice, I need to find that nugget inside me that will grow and rebuild me from the inside out, but I know that when I finally come through this and out the other side, I will be a better and stronger because of it. I also know that by reading Dr Jill Bolte-Taylor’s ‘My Stroke Of Insight’ the voice that is creating all this havoc in my brain, is a little area only about the size of a bean. It provides my story, enables us to link thoughts together, but also won’t shut the hell up unless you think about other things. It is the area that rabbits at you on and on while you try and meditate, and needs to be trained to shut up. It is also the area that prompted Eckhart’s whole journey when he thought ‘I can’t live with myself’, and realised that he is not his thoughts.
So here I sit with notebook, pen, books, highlighter, looking for strength in the printed word that will help guide me through this journey, turning to people that I already trust and value, and I hope that this new day is better than all that have gone before it this week.