I am in a transition period, I am feeling somewhat disgruntled with some people and (to a degree) life, so am making more changes to get me in a better place. This seeking is a constant flow and flux as I grow and change as a person. I’ve decided I’m checking my home emails once a week and I am checking Facebook once a week. I will continue to tweet because I love Twitter, I love the immediacy of what people are doing and how so much information can be contained in only 140 characters. People who don’t get it really are missing out, but this isn’t a blog defending tweeting, this is a blog explaining that I am struggling with some people’s behaviours and that when I can find the words to tell them, they will be hearing from me about it.
Unfortunately with some of them, I can’t just write off and watch them disappear from my life. But if you do get one of these difficult emails that I am dreading writing, please know that I would rather be happy than right, and our relationship isn’t working. So I am going to do something about it, be it asking you to temper your behaviour, or at least explain your actions towards me, or just ask you politely to leave. This won’t be easy for me, it won’t be easy for those reading the emails either, but I’ve been having conversations with a couple of people over the past couple of weeks and I know I am ready, I now need to find a couple of hours to sit down, and type what I need to say. You may get pissed off, you may wonder why I haven’t mentioned things before, but you know me, I am an observer first and foremost. From being on the outside of most social groups; either by being too tall, too clumsy, not a dancer/actor/arty, not able to run, throw or play sports to any standard, only being able to swim which is probably the most isolating and insulating sport on the planet. Always standing on the outside of the ‘in’ clique and wondering what it was that I just missed out on, not understanding why my ‘friends’ weren’t my friends at all through most of school. Why are children so cruel, because that is what their parents teach them to be, that is why.
It’s ironic, I got to 100 friends on my list yesterday on Facebook, yet when I logged on today to stop receiving emails from the site, I found myself looking at everyone on the list and wondering how many of the 100 are truly my friends? Maybe 10 at an absolute push. I mean people who I call, email, text and Skype, who interact with me on a regular basis. People who enhance my life, instead of just people I met in past jobs or school and have nothing to do with my life now, (even with me on the other side of the world from most of them) but we all got sucked into building this friends list and crowing about how many people we ‘know’ on a social networking site.
Life is crazy, it is also the only one we get, so I am going to be busy culling lots of things. I’m working through books, DVDs, clothes, trying to limit what is tying me down and making me feel heavy. I’m also upping the exercise, I’m loving the clear head I get even from just going for a walk before I do anything else in the morning. Some things I can’t change, but I can change how I react to them. There is no reality, only perception. And on the subject of Dr Phil life laws – ‘we teach people how to treat us’ so I am going to try and be more assertive, instead of being so bloody British and having this reserve of ‘I say, do you mind awfully?’
Life is managed; it is not cured. I am putting my life at the top of my list. I am heading towards my 35th birthday in January, every 7 years you do go through a big change, like it or not. 28 was a bigger deal for me than 30, I am sick and tired of either putting the phone down or visiting with people and feeling worse when I leave than when I arrived or started talking. Enough is enough. There is also power in forgiveness, so while I carry on along this journey, I hope that while I do forgive those who’ve made me feel like this. I hope, in turn, they forgive me for not having the courage to act when I felt like this initially, instead of letting things drift and settle. You cannot change what you do not acknowledge, I’ve taken a long hard look at my relationships over the past couple of months since the wedding, some are not working. I acknowledge that it’s time to move on.