I am going to try and write this without typing negative thoughts to reinforce the ‘grrrrrrr’ness of what I am feeling, which won’t be easy. Goodness me getting out of bed was hard work this morning.
I wanted nothing more than to stay in the warmth, cozy, just right and comfy temperature of my big delicious bed. In fact, if I could zoom home now and crawl gratefully between the mattress and the duvet, I would. Every so often I hit a bump in the road map of my life and I struggle. Everything is an effort, I stood in front of the wardrobe and couldn’t decide what to wear, I didn’t know what I wanted for breakfast, I left the house at the last possible moment because I didn’t want to leave and so on.
I know what it is, it is my Pain Body giving me grief, but the problem I have is that my reserves are low. I have nothing left to give to tide me through this, what with everything that has happened in my life over the past 2-3 years, this should come as no surprise to anyone, least of all me. But this highlights (again) why women flake out, because I have been at the bottom of my list for ages. I keep telling myself, I’ll get up the gym, I’ll go for a swim, I’ll go for a walk, I will, I will.
But I don’t, because there is always something more pressing to do, like work, like a wedding, like hosting friends and family, like housework, like filing, the list is endless. It really is, we still haven’t unpacked properly from coming home on Friday, we have things hidden in drawers all over the place, hiding the paperwork we need to sit down and go through, we have so much to do, I don’t know where to start. And yesterday it hit me like a truck, into my solar plexus.
I didn’t achieve a thing all day yesterday, except to open the post. I couldn’t focus, I frittered away time until 4ish when I hung up my keyboard and said ‘enough’. I went home, went to bed and slept for an hour, I woke up in a better mood, Dan had cooked me dinner and I read the Sunday Times that my beloved Liz had brought me over from the UK. I checked my emails and did something for me. I volunteered 4 Saturdays of my time with Interchange. It made me feel better, but then I still woke up this morning miserable as sin.
Am I at ease at this moment, no, not really. I need to switch off the chatter in my head, get going at work, snap out of it and count my blessings:
1. Tonight I am cooking dinner for my parents, how often do I get to do that these days with me living in Melbourne, them in Eastbourne?
2. I have a full-time job, with a great boss who is a dream to work for after some of the morons I have had to support.
3. I have my health, despite me neglecting my body, it is still working, still serving me well.
4. Dan, always Dan – the photos of our wedding where we both look so happy is a joy to me.
5. I have a bed, a house, belongings, so many people in this world have had everything they own ripped from them in floods, landslides, earthquakes and hurricanes.
That one puts things into perspective. I am going to make a cup of tea, because I can and get on with it.