Back again, (what already!), yes I know two in one day. Can’t tell if it will be interesting or not just yet, but I have had an a-ha! moment and wanted to share it with you.
I stripped the bed, and am washing the bedding along with some other bits to make up a white load. If you are male you won’t know what I am talking about and this is why all your shirts turn funny colours, your socks shrink and don’t match up any more and also why women won’t let you near their washing. I am opening windows to let some air in, I am washed and dressed and despite the pain in my left heel, which won’t go away and I don’t know what I did to get it, I feel pretty good. I am still snuffly, I am still achy, I am still bunged up in my head, but other than that I feel OK. Which is a good thing, and one of the 5 I will say thank you for tonight. I will also thank my breath, as I haven’t been out and about yet to notice other things, like trees, today. So despite the alcohol, my drug of choice, as I don’t smoke or take anything else, I am in pretty good shape. I weigh 85.9kg, not too sure what that is in English, about 13+st, (yes, yes I am heavier than I look), but while I would like to be lighter – my body is working. Mostly.
So this is my a-ha moment. I am not going to weigh myself for a month, this will last longer than giving Facebook up for Lent, which was about a week – but as I am no longer using it, I do feel a moral superiority now. But I am going to go swimming, go to the gym, eat my fruit and veg and see where that takes me. My body is feeling sluggish, I know that eating more fruit and veg than anything else makes me feel better, I also know that I love going up the gym, so why am I not? Well, I hit a wall working at RV, it knocked my confidence more than a bit being told I was shite at admin, when my parents would have to wait to take me home from my grandparents house because I was busy organising their cupboards. I don’t teach swimming any more, because again my work ‘colleagues’ let me know that I didn’t fit in, so made my life a living hell and took all the stuffing out of me.
I am not very resilient at times, yet moving to Australia is one of the biggest things I will do. Another big thing I completed was getting divorced, I hated it, it was the hardest thing in the world to go through at the time, but I will not and am not going to let it dictate who I am now. This is another Eckhart Tolle/Dr Jill Bolte Taylor/Louise L. Hay/Pete Cohen/Dr Phil McGraw/Peter Walsh/Dr Wayne Dyer statement: all of them are telling me I am not my thoughts.
I am not getting divorced, it has been and gone
I am not working at RV or TLC, it has been and gone
I am not useless, I am strong, I make choices every day to prove that to myself time and again
So I am not going to listen to the egoic voice inside me that pipes up every so often that I am crap because of x,y or z. I blogged about this the other day. I choose to live my life, because it is my life and we only have one shot at it. Why on earth would you choose to watch the same thing over and over and over again if it makes you miserable? Why would you listen to the voice inside your head saying the same thing over and over again if it makes you miserable?
No-one who is sane would admit to doing that, yet what you think has such an impact on what you feel, when you think about, oh I don’t know, everyone on the early bus to school saying ‘Happy Birthday’ to you, so you get on it, against your better judgement, for them to say ‘Why did you get on this bus, no-one likes you’ so you sit in silence for the rest of the ride, while they taunt you all the way there, then all the way on the walk to school, all through tutor group and if you are really lucky, in all the lessons they are in with you too. You are going to remember how you felt, then. Which in turn reminds you of another time you felt like that, then, which will in turn link you to something else. It is like a chain that you follow, all the way around, to the point you can’t even remember what you were originally thinking of, or what triggered it, all you know is NOW you feel awful. Some people reach for cake, or crisps, or a gin or wine or a cigarette. Because your brain is telling you, you need something to make you feel better.
How about instead of reaching for said food, drink or noxious gasses, you stopped thinking about what you were feeling, concentrated on your breathing, where you are NOW, what you are sitting on, standing beside and what colour the sky is. What about concentrating on what you can actually hear, see and feel, not what is whizzing around inside your head, because inside your head IS NOT REAL, what is real is where you are. Sitting at this desk, with the traffic and trams going by in the background, a cool breeze from the window, the clock ticking and the washing machine gurgling away. That is real. Not the number on a set of weighing scales, but how my body is feeling.
So that is my little a-ha! for today, when you look for them they happen all the time, when you think, D’oh that is so simple, why didn’t I think of that! That is all they are. Keep your eyes and ears open, you will not only enjoy life more that way, as you extract the marrow out of life, you will also be surprised at what you notice. Be excited about your life. I am, why do you think I came over here? But that is a whole other blog.